My Thoughts

i dont get it

2007-04-06T12:59:00.000-05:00

ok.. if someone wants to do something witht me.. why is it a problem when i say 'i don't care' when asked what i want to do?

i don't care.. why ist hat a problem? i'm not the one suggesting to you to come do something with me.. im not the one saying 'hey, lets do somethign, but you decide'.. no.. im sorry.. if there was something i wanted to do, i would say so from the start.. like 'hey, lets go do such and such'.. this is well known about me.. i rarely say there are things that i want to do..

so why can't my fiance figure this out? why does she get all pissed off and angry at me because i say i dont care when she asks me to do somethign.. she has known me for over 2 years.. if i dont want to do something, i flat out say no.. if there is somethign i want to do.. i suggest it.. but anything else, i say i dont care.. becuase i really dont give a shit.. fuck.. is that so hard to understand? that is who i am.. fuck..

we were on the phone and shes throwing attitude at me like 'i'm not in the mood for this today' .. and 'i cant handle your indecisivness today'.. what the fuck? so inescense, she is saying 'i cant handle you today' because this is how i always am.. and then she has to let me go without talking abotu it because she's 'too angry'.. like come on... maybe thats better.. maybe she'll realize how dumb it is for her to be pissed off about this..

it's nothign new and it will always be like this.. maybe for once, she'll apologize for being pissed off about nothing... probably not because that never happens...

till next time...............

inconsiderate

2007-04-04T19:10:00.000-05:00

so.. amanda went off to TO today to take (taxi) her friends for some job interview.. i'm sitting here waiting for her to get home and call and let me knwo she's got home ok.. the weather is forecasted to be shitty here in windsor, and generally the TO/KW region is worse off than here.. i knew she left at 3:30 cause she sent a txt msg to me letting me know.. i sit here waiting..

its about 7:50 and i see her sign into msn.. what the fuck? she's signing into her fucken msn before she calls and says 'hey, i'm home, you don't have to worry, love you'.. what the fuck? are my expectations too fucken high for that courtesy? i don't fucken think so.. roles reversed and it would be unacceptable.. i send her a few bitchy msg's on msn about this becaues i'm rightfully pissed.. and she gets an attitude and signs off.. i call her, and she has her fucken roommate try and play secretary.. what the fuck? are you that much of a pussy you can't talk to me like a human fucken being? guess not.. so i say that's "i have to talk to her right now" and the roommate hands the phone over to amanda.. she's all pissy and bitchy saying "i'm not going t fight with you. let me eat my dinner".. are you fucken kidding me? why is it so fucken wrong for me to care and be concerned that be upset that she didn't at least let me know that she got home ok.. she said that she was home for like 5 mins and went piss and checked her email.. but in that time, it's not possible to pick up the phone? ya right.. ok.. lets say that it was impossible to call then for whatever reason.. she couldn't have thought about that before hand and called when she got into windsor from her cell? would that be unreasonable? nope, sure wouldn't..

now i'm left here pissed off.. i had wanted to see her tonight.. i havent seen her since saturday, and even then we only saw each for a few hours.. but now if i see her i'm just going to be an asshole because she won't apologize for it.. and if she does, it will be a quick 'i'm sorry' and not have any meaning behind it..

fuck i hate this.. i go from worrying about her to being pissed off at her.. how fair is that? but i'm sure if this comes up it will be turned around into me being a spaz for no reason and i'll be the one that ends up apologizing for no reason..

am I an asshole?

2007-04-04T11:03:00.000-05:00

so again, it's been a while since i've wrote in this.. a lot has happened since..

i've stopped going to see the 'therapist'.. i never really did feel completely comfortable with her.. i just felt like i was constantly being judged.. and maybe that's what happens when you goto something like that.. but for me, i need to have someone that truly sounds/looks like they care.. or it just won't work..

Amanda and i have been doing better.. she's going to be moving back in at the end of this month.. i think it is more the situation (her roommate is moving back to chatham and they have to be out by the end of the month) than it is for me.. it wasn't until a big talk that she actually said the words ' i want to move back to be with you'.. any time before that, it was always about it being convenient and made me feel like she didn't want this.. i'm nervous about her moving back in.. i know i have a lot of shit to straighten out still .. and with the way she is, i know she can't always handle it and that may cause problems.. we'll have to see.. it's something that would be happening in the future, so why not now?

there are some things that i just can't get over with Amanda.. and maybe that makes me an asshole.. or a snob.. but her 'friends' are more or less trash that are going NO WHERE in life.. i'm sorry, but I could never associate myself with someone that doesn't want to do something with their life.. i guess that does make me a snob, but collecting welfare is a quality i will never look for (or accept) in a friend.. it just irritates me so much that she lowers herself to these levels.. i dont know if she thinks she can't find 'better' friends or what it is.. but she never talks to anyone that is in her classes or makes friends there.. these 'friends' of hers are more or less all losers who, some at 40, think it's cool to go out and get drunk every night at a dumb karaoke bar.. i just don't get it.. and almost every single one of them smokes, which in turn encourages Amanda to smoke.. it's disgusting..

that's another fear of mine.. is that she won't quit smoking.. she promised me that she would quit again when we moved back in together.. we originally thought that wouldn't come until the summer. .but since it's now, she has a lot of work to do with it.. i won't live with smoke in my house.. she doesn't seem to get that second hand smoke kills as many people as smoking does.. and she thinks im stupid for not wanting to be around that shit.. but it's my life.. i'm not gonna be near something that clearly will hurt me and cause problems in the long run.. but anyways, thats not what i was trying to get at.. i'm worried that she will 'quit' around me and then when she's with these trashy friends, she'll light it back on up because that's the 'cool' thing to do around them.. and then i think she'd lie to me about .. she knows how much i hate smoking and how I don't want her to becuase I want her to live a long time (she has enough problems she doesn't need to add any smoking related sicknesses to the list).. so, i feel that i'm constantly going to be suspicious about the whole thing.. is that wrong? i don't know.. i mean, she's been lying to her mom about it.. and hiding it from her for however long.. why wouldn't she do the same to me? who knows..

if you've read any of my other blogs.. you'll know that i can't stand one of her trashy friends, fat ass amanda donais.. i've already told Amanda that i do not want this person in my house.. i feel that i'm placing 'rules' on what can and can't happen.. but i cannot stand this person, never have been able to, and never will.. i have absolutely no respect for her espicially after what she did to my Amanda.. is it wrong that I'm saying to never have this bitch in my house? if Amanda wants to hang out with fat ass, then she can go right ahead - somewhere else.. when it comes down to it, i don't even want this bitch at our wedding because of how much i hate her.. but i doubt that would happen.. unless she back stabs Amanda again, which wouldn't surprise me..

my problem is that i have these thoughts.. and i think that they're reasonable and rational.. but are they really? i don't know.. ya i doubt some of them.. but at the same time, i'm so passionate about how i feel with these issues that I don't back off of them.. i think that's part of the OCD and anxiety kicking it.. and i know it won't get better over night.. i've always done this..

i'm still having a lot of days where I don't want to be near anyone and just stay to myself.. sometimes i think that being a hobbit would be the best thing i could ever do.. but clearly that won't solve any problems.. i just like being alone... when amanda first moved out. i was scared. i didnt want to be alone.. but as things changed and time went by, i actually wanted that more than anything else.. amanda and i only see each other once a week right now. maybe 2 times if there is something specific going on. she doesn't want to be near me when i'm miserable.. and i'm generally just miserable.. ugh.. i don't know, this isn't making any sense and is just kind of going all over the place..

i guess i should be done with this rant then.. i need to promise myself that i have to come back and write everyday so i can get some of these bad thoughts out of my system and try to just relax... i hope i'll stick to it..

followup

2007-02-14T15:59:00.000-05:00

so ya. i just posted a few mins ago.. and by the time i finished it.. i got a delivery at work.. amanda sent me a dozen long stem roses with a card.. ive never had anyone actually get me flowers.. at least not a dozen roses.. its beyond me.. but it does make me feel special and does let me know that she does really lvoe me.. sometimes, withthe way i think, i doubt that.. and think that she is just settling for me.. i shouldnt. she doesnt give me any reasons to think that. it all has to do with my self confidence and esteem.. which are both pretty low.. more problems that i have to overcome.. but hey, whats life without those problems?

it has helped me feel better though seeing that she put this much thought into it.. i dont think she knows that i have never gotten flowers before.. but it does mean a lot to me.. and i know shes gone and got me something else - i'm just not sure what it is.. i'll find out in a few hours when i get to her place.. dinner is at 7 and i probably wont get there until after 6 to make sure that her friend is gone and so that i wont get in a miserable mood.. i think that i may even go home and put on my nice dress pants and a dress shirt and tie to really surprise and impress her.. i think she at least deserves that..

too damn long between posts

2007-02-14T15:21:00.000-05:00

so its been way too long since i've posted stuff in here.. and i think that its affecting me because im finding that im getting upset and angry a lot more lately.. i really think that it was helping by writing those first few entries since i was getting out these bad feelings..

today is valentines day.. i hate this day.. i think tis complete and utter bullshit.. it means nothign to me.. and it shouldnt mean anythign to anyone else either.. why do we need one day a year to show our significant other what they mean to us? isnt that something that you do on a daily basis? if not, why the hell are you with the other person? it just doesnt make any sense to me..

but amanda wnats to do something for it.. of course. shes a girl. what girl doesnt want to do something.. well i told her that she has to plan everything then.. so shes planned to go to some fancy restaurant.. which means she wants me to dress up a bit.. and dressing up is what i wear to work.. i hate wearing khakis and dress pants.. i dont feel comfortable about it at all.. i want to wear jeans or shorts. simple as that.. so i made a fuss and she said that it would be fine to wear jeans. .but now im worried that if i do, its going to bother her and she wotn tell me the truth.. things cant always be about me - i just make them that way.. and its wrong for me to do that. but if i dont, then im miserable and not pleasant to be aroudn.. and i dont think that she'll like that too much.. so now im torn on what to do..

then.. as we're on the phone.. i ask her what else she has planned .. and she says nothing because she has to go out with her friend jason to karaoke.. i couldnt fucken believe what i just heard.. shes making a big fucken deal about this day only to ditch my after dinner? give me a fucken break.. i immediately let her go and she knew i was pissed about this.. and i really think that I have every right to be pissed.. so i call back a few mins later to try and talk about it and she has already called jason and left him a msg telling him that she wont be goign to karaoke.. and she did this becasue she knew it clearly bothered me.. she said she didnt realize that she made plans with him on valentines day (becasue he asked if she would go on wed and she didnt clue into the dates).. and i believe that. .but as soon as she realized what day it was - why the hell wouldnt she do something about it?! if i hadnt raised such a big fuss, she would be doing that and ditching me.. great way to make me feel appreciate i tell ya..

then in the background, i hear the voice that i hate the most .. this disgusting bitch that screwed her over 2 years ago is now her friend again .. you dont understand how disrespectful this girl was to amanda before.. i will say that i have never liked this bitch.. she has always taken advanatge of amanda and had her pay for everything.. apparently, she just finally got her highschool diploma.. yay, your 23 or somethign and just got your high school diploma? you've accomplish a lot in your life *rolls eyes*.. not nly that, but you woudl think this girl woudl have a job at this point in her life.. nope, she sits and collects welfare like a stupid white trash bitch.. amanda can do so much better than this. .but i dont get why she sets her standards so damn low.. this girl doesnt not deserve amanda's time espicially after the past (which i wont get into at this point).. and this is affecting me because i flat out hate this girl.. i dont want to see her. i dont want to talk to her. i dont want to pretend to like her. i WONT do those things. im not fake. i tell it exactly how it is.. i wont be any other way.. but i already know that its going to cause problems.. when i know that amanda is even just hanging out with her, it ruins my day.. i dont want to be even near amanda when she has the bitch around.. it unfortunately makes me taht damn miserable.. its making me feel like today is shaping up to be a horrible day.. how great is that? right now, i wantto call amanda back and tell ehr to make sure that bitch is gone before I get there, or i wont come over until shes gone.. thats rude on my part - but id ont fucken care.. i cant stand her. i dont want to see her.. plain and simple.

ugh.. so thast whats going on in my mind right now.. its a lot to process and try to calm down from.. and i really dont know how to calm down at this point.. im now pissed off and miserable and just dotn want to be near anyone.. but, on this WONDERFUL commercial holiday, i am forced to.. yippe ki eh..

i guess this is when i learn that i have to bite my tongue and do the things that will make amanda happy.. but i am goign to call and tell her that i dont want that girl there when i get there or there will be no happy ending.

getting screwed..

2007-01-18T12:45:00.000-05:00

so it's been a few days since I wrote here.. which in a way, is good.. I haven't had anything that has upset me or bothered me since I first wrote here..

so lets see.. monday was a pretty simple day.. went to work and did the normal routine.. i got to watch my favourite show on sunday/monday - 24! im so glad its back on.. it gives me something to look forward to on monday nights! :)

so i'm going to jump to right now.. its now 1:pm.. I just got a phone call from Amanda... to start.. I have my own accounting and consulting company that I started back in October.. it's something that I'm doing in my spare time and on weekends.. I only have one client - but its the company that Amanda works for (Boss Tools). So it was agreed that i would analyze their financial position and provide reports on how to improve their profitibility.. I completed that work through November and since have bene working on a pricing model to ensure that every item is profitable for the company.. Well, as of today, they owe me over $6,000.. They haven't paid me for a single invoice.. And I've also sold them a computer which is not paid for.. They have been in the process of getting a line of credit and that is why they haven't paid me yet.. I understand this, but I also get frustrated knowing that they owe me that kind of money.. So back to where this started.. I got a phone call from Amanda to let me know that after Jan is over, that they don't want ot use my services because right now they simply can't afford it.. And that I would have to continue to wait for the line of credit to be approved before I got paid.. So right now, I'm completely frustrated that I have to continue to wait to be paid.. I have to make payments under the business name for the GST that I collected, the income taxes on my business income, my business purchases, etc.. but this is now my responsibility and I get to come up with the money on my own while I wait.. Do I go to the government now and tell them "hey i cant pay you because I havent been paid because they cant get their ass in gear?" no.. they wouldnt care.. but yet, I get to be a floor mat for this company..

so I went a good 3 days without having any bad thoughts/situations.. which I'm proud of.. And I thought I would have gone all day today too.. but unfortunately, with taht news, I'm not in a great mood.. I'm sure I will post more later today when I'm finished work.

disappointment

2007-01-13T13:11:00.000-05:00

so here it goes.. a blog containing what i'm thinking right now..

today amanda and i were supposed to goto a wedding show here in windsor to start planning and getting oru wedding organized.. it started at 10am and goes until 7pm tonight.. it also runs tomorrow from 10am until 5pm.. she told me last night that we shoudl expect to spend most of the day there today as she wanted to meet with al ot of people and start getting a lot of things organized.. honestly, i had been dreading it as it doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me..i know that i wont really have much imput on the actual wedding stuff as its always a girls dream to plan their perfect wedding.. but this isnt about me and me not wanting to go -- its something that we should do together, so I have to suck it up, have a good time, not be miserable and do it..

So when I got up this morning, I was actually looking forward to it.. I was excited that we would start makign some actual plans for the ceremony/reception.. We've kind of talked abotu ideas, but nothing has been decided on.. I was interested to see the different options that we would have when we got to the wedding show.. Its goign to be a very important day and I honestly want it to be perfect.. Its not somethign I plan on doing again in my life..

So I called Amanda around 11:30.. She didn't answer right away so I figured she was in bed.. She called back a min later and sounded like she had died.. She went out with her friends last night drinking, and apparently shes really hungover.. Now, my first reaction to this is anger.. I'm angry that she would go and get that drunk that it woudl ruin our plans for today.. I clearly sound angry and annoyed and she asks whats wrong and I say nothing.. then I say 'just talk to me when its convienent for you' or something along those lines.. and say bye and hangup.. I know right away that this is wrong so I call back and apologize.. But I'm still annoyed about it and a little upset.. I really wanted to see her.. I don't handle it well when we don't spend time together.. this goes back to my seperation anxiety.. I was fine with everything last ngiht, but that was based on knowing i woudl see her first thing today and we'd spend all day together.. so I think that is part of why I'm so angry about it..

I think that I'm a very dependant person.. I rely on others too much to get by.. And since Amanda and I have been together for almost 2 years, she has become the person I rely on the most.. I don't know when I started acting like this.. I was never close with my family nor was I close with my brother.. I always kept to myself when I was at home (unless I was fighting with my parents which is a whole other subject).. But I've never really livedo n my own until right now.. I've always had my family (whether I wanted them there or not) or friends to live with.. So I think that I've always felt like someone was there no matter what.. I don't really know what this means or how it relates, but I'm pretty sure that it does in someway..

So that there was my first dip into my brain.. into my emotions.. to try and find what really is deep down inside of me.. its not much.. but its a start.. thats the most important thing..

So back to what angered me originally.. I know its wrong.. I shouldnt have been overcome with anger or frustration.. I should have asked if there was anything I coudl do and made sure she was ok.. told her that it was ok that things had to change.. its not like we dont have tomorrow to go and do this.. And this is what bothers me.. I can think of all of this AFTER THE FACT but not before.. I need to be able to think about all that when it happens.. but i've trained myself to be so negative over the years that it seems like its impossible to not think the worst.. this is somethign I need to overcome, or I will never be happy with anyone or myself..

so it begins

2007-01-13T11:33:00.000-05:00

so thursday night I finally started something that I should have started a long time ago --- I went to see a psychologist.. Not many of my friends or family know that I have gone as it's something that I'm almost embarassed of.. But it came to a point that anxiety and depression were ruining everything within my life..

I'm just finding out the exact diagnosis of what I have been dealing with for a while.. It seems to be a moderate to severe General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), seperation anxiety, social anxiety, stress and depression.. To be completely honest, I don't know what a lot of the techinical definitions are for those.. I only know what I've felt and thought, and from what Ive been told, it's not good and not normal..

I worry about everything.. If it's the smallest, stupidist thing - I'll spend hours at ngiht worrying and wondering about it.. And most of the time, they are things that I fabricate in my own head.. For example, today I woke up and Amanda (my fiance) didn't call me last night.. The first thought that went through my head was "was she with soemoen else? why didnt she call?" .. Now, first things first.. I do not believe that she would ever cheat on me.. She loves me to death and is the most faithful person I could have ever met.. So why do I think that she was with someone else? I don't honestly know. This is what I need to figure out because the bad thoughts that I am continually having are goign to destroy my life..

They almost lead to Amanda and I breaking up right before we got engaged.. I can't lose her - she IS my life.. She's what makes me happy when nothing else does.. I know that I shouldn't ever think anything bad about her.. but it's something that, right now, I can't control.. I've been trying to be more open to her since we got engaged.. I've tried to tell her everything I've been thinking, whether it is big or something stupid.. I figure that if she knows everything that I am thinking, she may be able to undetstand me better and help her figure me out..

So back to the beginning of my post.. I saw the psychologist on Thursday night.. It was interesting and I didn't know what to expect.. She asked a lot of questions and some of them I didntk now how to answer.. But overall, she thinks that a lot of my problems may stem from my childhood (i think they always say that) - but it does make sense.. So I've been given some homework. I have to first stop acting on the dumb/irrational thoughts that are in my head.. I've alreadfy been trying to do this by talkign to Amanda about everything instead of acting on the dumb thoughts.. but I still have lapses that I dont do that and act first.. But when I haev done that - I've apologized within minutes.. This way she knows that I realize that I shouldnt have said/done what I did.. The 2nd thing that I have to do is to think about myself and find some of the deep issues that I have.. EG: the reason i think amanda may cheat is because i feel that I cannot be loved..

So thats where this online blog will come in.. I'll be keeping track of all my thoguhts on here.. At least once a day I'll be writing out what happened.. and when there are things that are bothering me, I'll be posting them on here to just get them out of my head so I dont go crazy..